Their honeymoon really stank.

Don’t worry, this is not a review of the newest Twilight movie, I’m sure there’s plenty of critiques out there on the internets already. Since I’ve never written a novel or a screenplay, I don’t have a leg to stand on. I just watch lots of movies and like to think I’m a smarty pants about genuine stories, good acting, writing and lovely cinematography. I think it’s safe to say that my curiosity has been satisfied about the whole Twilight phenomenon after going to this movie with someone who is a huge fan. I don’t understand it anymore than I understand the opening weekend numbers ($135 million? Really?) but there must be a lot of people who enjoy the vampire and giant wolf genre along with moody, uncomfortable teenage girls and scrawny, pouty men. There is one exception to the scrawny man thing – and that would be the guy named Jacob, who’s entire job seemed to be taking his shirt off and running. Oops! My shirt fell off again! Time to run around the Demonstration Forest on the North Shore. There was no hiding they filmed this movie just across the bridge from where we live.

Lucky for Jacob (and for the rest of us) he had the BEST line in the whole movie. And that line was:

Give it to me straight!

Just like a 40’s movie! I laughed out loud when he said that, only to be shushed by Diane. I waited to hear more lines such as, “What’s the word on the street?” “Nice gams!” “What do you know? What do you say?” and my favourite 40’s slang, “Right in the kisser!”. Sadly, that didn’t happen.

I’ve mentioned it on my blog before, but back in the 10th grade, we had a representative from Harlequin Romance come speak to our class for Career Day. I definitely remember her saying that you must follow their “format” or they won’t consider your story at all. Judging from this movie, they followed the Harlequin Romance format – I guess that’s one way to explain the financial success of this movie. Some people would call this movie “romantic”. I wouldn’t describe it that way. Their honeymoon looked like a boring, frustrating experience for the newly married couple. But the wedding scene was lovely – there were some beautiful cascading trees and blossoms in the background, and her wedding dress looked a lot like Pippa’s from The Royal Wedding this year, so that was a nice touch.

The special effects for this movie was pretty good – especially when they made the main character look sickly and dead. Honestly, she looked horrid and it looked very natural sick, as opposed to “movie sick”. Pretty incredible. Too bad they didn’t do that for the vampires. They all looked like they got hit in the face with a giant powder puff à la Milton Berle on The Muppets. MAKE UP!

I guess all that’s left for me to do is to write a novel and submit it to Harlequin. In fact, I could use some of their “format” suggestions in my next Advent calendar. Nothing says Christmas like internal and external tension! I’ll see if I can fit some in there.

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