This man must be very, very bad. How do I know this? Just look at him!
- The 5 o’clock shadow.
- The Lone Ranger mask – used for evil, to cover his true identity. The Lone Ranger would not approve.
- Those awful skinny jeans. Blech. I can’t wait for those pants to go out of style.
- His bandanna – clearly he’s affiliated with some kind of Playmobil Gang
- His key-chain with three really big keys dangling off his skinny jeans. Or maybe he’s just a janitor?
- The biggest tell of all – overly shiny shoes.
I have a theory that men with really shiny dress shoes (not boots, but dress shoes) should be looked at suspiciously. I have had 2 occasions in my life where I met 2 different men at 2 different times who both wore really shiny dress shoes. So shiny, I thought, “Those shoes are really too shiny to be worn with those pants on a Saturday afternoon.” In both instances, I found out later that each man (totally unrelated, for the record) got caught 1) embezzling money or 2) pulling off investment schemes in a rather seedy manner.
Please note: The shiny shoes theory doesn’t work at weddings or with all men in tuxes. Since they all are required to wear those Paton Leather shoes, it’s not really far to assume the entire groom’s side of the wedding party is pulling off some kind of dastardly heist. OR ARE THEY?
Meanwhile, back on the street, the XMAS Bandit is planning his next move in his jaunty cap, which I actually kind of like. Combined with his plaid shirt, he could be a French Lumberjack just on his way to a storage locker. Yah, well, we’re not buying it, XMAS Bandit. We know you’re up to no good.
What kind of no good? We’ll find out as the Advent Calendar unfolds…
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