Editor’s note: I got up before my alarm this morning to open up the last cardboard box with the “24″ on it. I couldn’t bring myself to open it last night. I’m very superstitious about turning calendars ahead – I think it was my Grandma Holly who told us it was bad luck to start a new calendar before the year started, so I never put my calendars ahead for any month, just in case. I also never smash mirrors or walk under ladders.
And speaking of unlucky, we now join Joy and The XMAS Bandit in the jail cell…
“Merry Christmas, Joy and The XMAS Bandit! Look what I have for you!” called out Constable Bailey. “Presents!” she giggled.
“On this table you will find everything you need to enjoy your stay at The Slammer Hotel. Today you get a cup, a plate, a toothbrush and some toothpaste.” Zuzu explained.
“What? Do I have to share a toothbrush with him?” hissed Joy.
“Just for now, at least until I find another set of items for you. And don’t think I’m not watching you. You’d better not turn your toothbrush into a shank. I don’t want to see anyone getting shivved in the chow line. Got it?” Barked Constable Bailey. “Merry Christmas!”
“This is the worst Christmas, ever!” shouted Joy. “I hate my crappy jail plate and cup!” she started crying again.
Meanwhile, The XMAS Bandit started making a list in his mind of things to do in jail. He had plans to take correspondence courses so he could get his Law Degree and also to volunteer for the Scared Straight Program. He couldn’t wait to start yelling obscenities at kids in the name of prevention and rehabilitation, “This is prison! We play for keeps!” he thought to himself. “Yah. That’s a good line. I’m going to use that for sure.” And of course, he had to get ready for all his penpal letters. He was going to be busy on the inside.
Sergeant Batista came walking through the area, “I’m glad you’re behind bars where you belong.” He said with disgust. “I have no idea who tipped us off, but I am very glad that he did.”
Constable Bailey agreed, “Me, too. I wonder who it was? Who knew these things about Joy and The XMAS Bandit, anyway?”
Just then, the p0lice heard commotion outside the station. Ensuring the criminals were locked up, they went outside to investigate.
As Joy and The XMAS Bandit sat in their single cells side-by-side in the P0lice Station (I believe this is called “Pre-trial” or jail, but not prison. It could also be the drunk tank because I think that’s located right in the P0lice Station as well. Anyway, Joy and The Bandit are in some form of custody.) they began bickering back and forth.
“I can’t believe you turned me in.” snipped Joy.
“Turned you in? I didn’t tell them anything about you. You’re the one that threw me under the bus, lady.” whined The Bandit.
“Wait. You didn’t rat me out?” Joy asked.
“No. I did not. The cops told me they had some anonymous tips they followed up on. Who did you talk to, Joy? Big mouth!”
“I didn’t tell anybody anything.” Joy replied angrily. She cracked her knuckles one by one. “I am going get my lawyer to look into this. Stinkin’ rat. And you shouldn’t have stolen that bike. What a dumb move that was. Everybody saw you. You’re an idiot.”
Just then they heard some commotion outside and peered through the metal bars out the window.
“Oh great. The Plumber’s here.” said The XMAS Bandit. “It’s about time.”
“I’m here with the new crapper!” announced Hank the plumber. “I brought my plunger to try to fix the other turlet as well. But first, let’s get this one in the cell.”
“Oof.” thought Joy, “Why does he have to be so declasse?”
Suddenly realizing her predicament, Joy burst out crying. “Now I know how Paris Hilton must have felt! Waaaahhhhh!”
The XMAS Bandit tried to comfort her. “Oh Joy. Don’t cry. Your toilet will be plunged and working soon and I’ll be getting a new one in my cell. Now eat your cheese and bologna sandwich. I heard if you put it on the radiator for a few minutes, the cheese will get all melty.” The XMAS Bandit sure was glad he watched Lock-Down: Prison Nation on National Geographic. He knew all the tricks for when he got into the Big House. He was just sorry he’d missed the show on prison romance. Well, he was sure to get some pen-pals from the outside. He was a big-time thief. And chicks dig that.
Editors notes: 1)A big thank you to Playmobil for the toilet/sink combo. Very Advent-y. And to think I actually complained about getting a recycling bin back on Day 13. 2) I think just this once, I may cheat and do the final (tomorrow’s post) tonight so I have plenty of time for the big “reveal”. I just wanted to be upfront with you about that.
And so the difficult task of transporting all the stolen artifacts to the P0lice Station began. The Egyptologists were granted special permission to help take the ancient valuables to the c0p shop in an effort to keep them in their current condition. The last thing they wanted was to have the Pharaoh masks thrown in the back of a moving truck like a frat house moving party.
Zuzu blocked the street again and used the most pitiful looking stop sign as issued. “What the heck kind of stop sign is this, anyway? ‘Stop Police’? I don’t think anyone driving by will know that they’re supposed to stop while I’m holding this dumb lollipop sign. Ugh. My new stop sign SUCKS!”
Despite Zuze’s disdain for the new stop sign, she bucked up and held it up as though it was the old, red sign she was used to. She took one for the team on that one.
Also blocking traffic? Sergeant Batista.
“Hey Sarge! Good thing you’re wearing that new motorcycle helmet! I wouldn’t want to have to give you a ticket for not wearing a helmet!” Zuzu joked with him. “Hey, have you paid your speeding ticket yet?” she continued to rib her superior.
“Nice stop sign, Constable Bailey!” Batista yelled back. “Look, I’m Erik Estrada! From “CHiPs”!”
*Please note: the video is a black screen for about the first 7 seconds – I have no idea why. But if you wait until the 8th second, that’s when the video starts. At 45 seconds? Larry Wilcox…and at 54 seconds? Erik Estrada! You can thank me later, ladies.*
Also, you know it’s going to be a good day when you start it off with the CHiPs theme song. Just sayin’.
After the unbelievable revelation that the XMAS Bandit was wanted internationally and built his own pyramid to house his stolen goods, the local Egyptologists were called in to help identify all the stolen ancient artifacts while Constable Bailey and Rocky stood guard.
Sargeant Batista came back to the pyramid of pilfered items on his new police motorcycle after taking Joy and her lawyer back to the station.
“How’s the identification of the stolen items going, Constable Bailey?” he asked as he rolled up on his bike.
“Pretty good, Sarge.” Zuzu replied. “This guy stole all kinds of stuff. I have no idea how he did it. There are gold items, precious gemstones, Pharaoh masks and we even found a mummy in the sarcophagus. How do you steal something like that? The Egyptologists are calling around to different museums around the world to find out where it belongs.”
“Good work, Zuzu. You and Rocky need to stay here a bit longer before we can send someone in to relieve you from your shift.”
“That’s good news for BBQ Bill. I’ll let him know that. Now, I need to get back to the station. I think I may have gotten a speeding ticket on my way over here with one of those photo radar things. It was either me or the guy making an illegal left hand turn at the intersection in front of me. I’d better get back to the station to see if it was me. Heh.”
“Okay, Sarge. I’ll see you later!” Zuzu waved.
She then thought to herself, “What kind of dopey c0p gets a speeding ticket, anyway?”
Joy sat silently in the Interrogation Room. She pushed the plate of donuts away and sipped the rotten jail coffee. Although it felt like she had been there for hours, she didn’t let her impatience show. She sat with a blank stare. Sargeant Batista walked in. “Joy, we know you’re in on this with The [...]
Joy sat in her fancy hotel room – it was actually a suite – on a lovely fainting couch, watching the great big flat screen TV and ate bonbons. She had been there for a couple of weeks now and was enjoying the room service, the shopping trips and the visit with her family over [...]
Sergeant Batista blocked off the street with the new P0lice barrier so that nothing could go wrong while taking the wily XMAS Bandit in for booking. Rocky stayed close in order to prevent the bandit from trying to escape. Constable Bailey took the set of keys off his belt. “What are these for?” The blubbering bandit [...]
Sergeant Batista called out to Zuzu, “Go find him! I’ll be right there! I just need to grab my new beret, my walkie-talkie and my new Glock pistol! They’re made in Austria, you know.” Sergeant Batista is a gun aficionado – he loves the portable fire arms. Constable Bailey and Rocky ran through the alley [...]
Sargent Batista was clearly run ragged. He’d been answering the XMAS Bandit hotline for hours and was hearing all kinds of crazy XMAS Bandit sightings like, “I saw him swimming laps at the local swimming pool. I’m sure it was him!” or, “I heard a rumour he’s the guy that plays Santa at the shopping mall.” [...]
The XMAS Bandit took a little break from his busy day of thieving. He not only stole BBQ Bill’s bike, but he also helped himself to a fancy wreath he stole from the local mall. And he didn’t shoplift the wreath, he brazenly stole actual gigantic mall decorations. Just for kicks. That’s how he rolls. [...]
