Editor’s note: I got up before my alarm this morning to open up the last cardboard box with the “24″ on it. I couldn’t bring myself to open it last night. I’m very superstitious about turning calendars ahead – I think it was my Grandma Holly who told us it was bad luck to start a new calendar before the year started, so I never put my calendars ahead for any month, just in case. I also never smash mirrors or walk under ladders.
And speaking of unlucky, we now join Joy and The XMAS Bandit in the jail cell…
“Merry Christmas, Joy and The XMAS Bandit! Look what I have for you!” called out Constable Bailey. “Presents!” she giggled.
“On this table you will find everything you need to enjoy your stay at The Slammer Hotel. Today you get a cup, a plate, a toothbrush and some toothpaste.” Zuzu explained.
“What? Do I have to share a toothbrush with him?” hissed Joy.
“Just for now, at least until I find another set of items for you. And don’t think I’m not watching you. You’d better not turn your toothbrush into a shank. I don’t want to see anyone getting shivved in the chow line. Got it?” Barked Constable Bailey. “Merry Christmas!”
“This is the worst Christmas, ever!” shouted Joy. “I hate my crappy jail plate and cup!” she started crying again.
Meanwhile, The XMAS Bandit started making a list in his mind of things to do in jail. He had plans to take correspondence courses so he could get his Law Degree and also to volunteer for the Scared Straight Program. He couldn’t wait to start yelling obscenities at kids in the name of prevention and rehabilitation, “This is prison! We play for keeps!” he thought to himself. “Yah. That’s a good line. I’m going to use that for sure.” And of course, he had to get ready for all his penpal letters. He was going to be busy on the inside.
Sergeant Batista came walking through the area, “I’m glad you’re behind bars where you belong.” He said with disgust. “I have no idea who tipped us off, but I am very glad that he did.”
Constable Bailey agreed, “Me, too. I wonder who it was? Who knew these things about Joy and The XMAS Bandit, anyway?”
Just then, the p0lice heard commotion outside the station. Ensuring the criminals were locked up, they went outside to investigate.
Sergeant Batista blocked off the street with the new P0lice barrier so that nothing could go wrong while taking the wily XMAS Bandit in for booking.
Rocky stayed close in order to prevent the bandit from trying to escape. Constable Bailey took the set of keys off his belt. “What are these for?” The blubbering bandit was crying so hard he couldn’t answer. “Well” Constable Bailey said, “You won’t need those where you’re going.”
The bandit burst out crying even louder, “WAH!!! A boohoo hoo!”
“He’s really crying TOO much and being way too dramatic.” Zuzu thought to herself. “I wonder what he’s up to?”
“Please! The dog is scaring me! Can you please get him away from me?” The bandit whined.
Rocky stayed close, staring at the bandit the whole way to the station.
“We’re nearly there, sir.” Constable Bailey said calmly. “And once we get you booked, I’ll feed Rocky. He’s still hungry, you know. He hasn’t had dinner yet.”
“I want to call my lawyer!” The XMAS Bandit whimpered.
“Constable Bailey!” Sergeant Batista called out, “You’re not going to believe it! Another call came into The Bandit Hotline. He has an accomplice! The Bandit was not working alone. His lady friend has been holding his stolen goods and money. She’s also in town – holed up in a fancy hotel downtown.”
“A girlfriend?” said Zuzu. “Come on, Rocky! Let’s go get her!”
Sargent Batista was clearly run ragged. He’d been answering the XMAS Bandit hotline for hours and was hearing all kinds of crazy XMAS Bandit sightings like, “I saw him swimming laps at the local swimming pool. I’m sure it was him!” or, “I heard a rumour he’s the guy that plays Santa at the shopping mall.” or, “Can you tell me how to get to the grocery store? I’m lost.” Really, people do call in with the worst information and it made him wonder how some of the people in his town figured out how to tie their own shoes.
The phone rang again. He sighed. Perhaps someone was calling to tell him they saw the Bandit with Elvis at the local diner.
Sergeant Batista: “XMAS Bandit hotline. How can I help you?”
Raspy voice: “I know where the XMAS Bandit is hiding out.”
Over at #27 Maple Lane is where the local Barbecue Chef lives. He is also an avid bike rider. In order to keep his girlish figure, he rides his bike to all his big BBQ cook-offs and then promptly puts some ribs on the big smoker, or cooks up a giant pot of chili. He’s known in town for his baked beans as well (TOOT!).
Just as BBQ Bill was getting ready to go this weekend’s pig roast barbecue competition – thankfully he had his pig delivered to the competition so he didn’t have to ride over with the animal on his handlebars – he saw The XMAS Bandit taking off with his bike!
BBQ Bill ran after the bandit, trying as hard as he could to get his bike back, but the crook was way too fast on his bike. Thankfully there were two witnesses to the crime, Dieter and Stacey. Neither of them could catch the bandit either, but at least Dieter offered BBQ Bill a ride to the c0p shop to report this terrible crime and then to the BBQ – Dieter was hopeful to get some of BBQ Bill’s world famous baked beans. He just loves the magical fruit and hopes that some day, he can make beautiful Christmas music* like these guys:
*Editor’s note: I don’t think my mom’s going to like this video much. POOT!
As you can see, I’m up earlier on this chilly Saturday morning than during the week. Mike & I are participating in a FILM photography marathon all day – for 12 hours! And it starts in an hour, so I should get going.
As Constable Bailey and Rocky reported in for work, Sergeant Batista called them both in to his office. “Since you are a so well liked in the community, Constable Bailey,” Sergeant Batista started, “I need you to put up additional wanted posters for The XMAS Bandit. I want you to let the good citizens know that [...]
I think I actually said, “Oh good!” out loud in the darkness of the morning. Today’s box was a big one. That usually means there’s a very important piece to the calendar – usually a new character of some sort. It was a Zuzu-sized-box, so I assumed it would be another officer or maybe another [...]
After nice night on the town – dinner, some dancing, and enjoying the stand up comedy of Don Rickles, King of the Insult, Joy* and The XMAS Bandit took a leisurely walk through town on their way home. They took in the sights and the sounds of the city – enjoying the Christmas lights that had [...]
This morning’s #3 package contained another case – a very big one and a tire iron. What is The XMAS Bandit up to with all these cases and grappling hooks and now a crowbar? And why over the holidays? Is it because he can get away with more when the average law abiding citizen is [...]
This man must be very, very bad. How do I know this? Just look at him! The 5 o’clock shadow. The Lone Ranger mask – used for evil, to cover his true identity. The Lone Ranger would not approve. Those awful skinny jeans. Blech. I can’t wait for those pants to go out of style. His bandanna [...]
